(Or, “How to turn a woman-repellent home into a warm and welcoming, yet masculine and seductive manpad.”)
Wow. It’s good that you’ve got your own place at last. It’s wonderful that you now have a home that you can call your own. A manpad. Plenty of reasons to celebrate. No more living at Mum and Dad. No more living in a shared home, perhaps with your former partner. Perhaps you’ve come out of a relationship and now you’re living on your own. And at last, you have a place that you can call yours.
Well besides just living here, you’re soon going to wish to entertain ladies, aren’t you? Let’s be honest. Nothing wrong with that. Why not? Fill your boots, as is the Third Millennium Man way which we all know and love.
So how do we transform this box with your things in it into a next-level Manpad? What do we have to do to turn these rectangular spaces full of your stuff, into somewhere that looks classy? Somewhere welcoming – somewhere that doesn’t scare women away?
The Third Millennium Manpad.
First of all, let’s look at the design of the place. We’re not talking about the design of the building as such, but the look and feel of the inner space of the rooms. It’s actually harder than you think to decorate a home and leave it masculine and welcoming, as opposed to feminising a place. You only need to flick through an Interior Design magazine to see that.
Well, you’re in luck. Let’s take you through it. It’s not necessary to spend a fortune doing this, nor are we talking months of effort.
Giving your home a masculine touch and creating a manpad is more a process of elimination of unnecessary items than anything else (so the first item on your shopping list should be a few extra rubbish bags). Those ‘old lady’ lampshades that were in the place when your first moved in? Get rid. Net curtains? Ugh. The same for any of those plastic ‘wallpaper protectors’ you see around your light-switches. Cushions. Nothing says ‘feminine’ quite like a cushion. And if they are old, they probably stink and create clouds of dust when you plump them up. You don’t need cushions.
Anything that you did not choose personally, get rid. If there’s something there that was already here when you moved in, get rid.
Your manpad is already looking better.
But we can do more.
Ceilings
That Artex on the ceiling? Call in a favour from a plasterer friend (or hire a professional) to get you a smooth ceiling. Yes there are kits to do this yourself but it’s expensive, extremely hard work, and you will not be happy with the end result. £60-100 for the average-sized room gives you a perfectly smooth ceiling.
Don’t even think about having a mirror on your bedroom ceiling. Stop it at once.
Take the opportunity to invest in some LED lighting instead of that miserable pendant with a lightbulb. Make sure it’s dimmable in your lounge and your bedroom – when the time comes, you’ll know why…
Walls
Time to sort out the walls of your manpad. If you’re big on decorating, this is easy. If not, everyone knows a really good painter and decorator that can sort you out. Aim for light, neutral colours. A room’s colour should come from items in the room, people in the room, not the walls. Lighter colours make a room seem brighter, cleaner and more spacious. White walls are a little too stark, so opt for something with a slight tint. Most paint manufacturers have a ‘neutral’ range, so look there.
The key to a quality paint-job? Preparation. Make sure the walls are smooth with no loose bits or cracks. Brush away any cobwebs and wash away any splashes or marks beforehand. If the walls are sticky from years of cigarette smoke, this needs washing away with Sugar Soap or something similar – you’ll still smell it through the new paint.
Paint your woodwork brilliant white. Opt for a satin finish rather than gloss.
Use rollers for a quality finish.
We like these small roller kits from Poundland. Everything you need, for a measly quid.
We’ve seen the odd room painted entirely in brilliant white matt emulsion – ceiling, walls, woodwork – but this doesn’t work everywhere. It’s the last word in minimalism, so feel free to try it.
There’s nothing happy about a room where you need to turn the lights on at any time of day, so make the most of natural light. Get rid of nasty old curtains and invest in some neutral blinds. Venetian blinds harbour the dust, so look at vertical blinds instead, or a roller blind – maybe even a blackout blind if you really need one – for your bedroom.
Got a room that’s an unusual shape? Or a big piece of furniture like a wardrobe or a bookcase? Paint all the walls white except for the one where the tall item will be (or the short wall in the case of an unusual space). Paint that wall a bright, vivid single colour, and stand the furniture in front of that. It’s one heck of an optical illusion that completely changes the nature of a space.
Floors
The sexiest floor covering at the moment is real wood. Not that ‘floating floor’ engineered wood that you click together – that stuff is horrible – but real, proper hardwood. It lasts – probably – forever, always looks good and goes with any kind of home. Oak, Teak and Mahogany are the Third Millennium Man favourites – just a coat of diamond-hard gloss varnish, or even Danish Oil, and you have something amazing in your home. Nothing beats that feeling of luxury, or the beauty of the grain that takes on a 3D quality. You’ve also upped the resale value exponentially.
Real wood flooring can be £50 per square metre up to £300 per square metre – yikes – but we’ve seen sanded Teak floor tiles on eBay and Gumtree for less than what you’d expect to pay for carpeting.
Can’t stretch to real wood? Go for sea grass matting. This works especially well in your bathroom and kitchen, but doesn’t last for many years. Light coloured carpets work, but pay for good quality underlay and use a professional fitter.
The rest of your manpad
Now we’ve sorted out your rooms, let’s do the rest. Relax, that’s the hard part over.
Think about the purpose of each room. This will guide you to what should be in it. A fridge freezer in your lounge diner will ruin the vibe of your entire home. If it has to be there then it has to be there, but plan something better long-term.
Think about your themes. Remember our objective is to make your manpad, your home, feel masculine yet sexy, warm and welcoming.
Art for art’s sake
Take down those outdated Athena posters and your football memorabilia. Enjoy blank wall spaces. Or if you need something, make it personal. Put up some framed photos of the people and events in your life story, or some of your own artwork if you have any.
If you have photos of you snowboarding, show them. Pictures of that time you were on stage with your band. That time you stood on a mountain peak. When you served in the Armed Forces. Snapshots taken while you did that charity work in your gap year. Every picture tells a story, so get them blown up, framed, and tell your story.
Not every story is worth sharing, mind you. A dozen or more similar pictures of you on a riverbank, gazing adoringly at the massive fish you’ve just caught? Yeah, you might want to hide those pictures.
Get rid of the clutter.
That pile of newspapers? Get rid. The laundry in a pile behind your door? Grow up a bit and get yourself a suitable laundry bin. Those books and CDs (who even has CDs any more?) Get rid, or find a better way to store them.
Take a look at the Ikea website. Or better still, visit one of their stores. You don’t need to purchase anything on your first visit, but it’s good to get a feel for what storage solutions and lifestyle ideas they have, then to take them back and see what might work and what doesn’t work in your place.
There’s loads of good ideas on Pintrest too. Take a look.
Clear the decks
Think about reducing the amount of things that you own. When we’re young we dream of owning loads of stuff: when we’ve matured a bit, we realise life isn’t so much about stuff as it is about the people we meet and the experiences we enjoy. Apply this logic to your manpad.
So put on some tunes or a good movie and spend a few hours having a really good sort-out. Be brutal.
That tool you bought for one particular job, but haven’t touched in years? You don’t need it. Those blank cassette tapes you have with nothing to play them on? Give them away. Those clothes you haven’t worn in years? Take them to a local Charity Shop. That item you bought years ago ‘just-in-case’ and have never used? It probably costs a quid on eBay, should you ever actually need it ever again (and you probably won’t). Those piles of books that you’ve already read? Why not pass them on – you can always buy a Kindle version for next to nothing, should you ever wish to read it again.
Charity Shops, by the way, are always in need of donations. In a world where we have so much and others so little, it’s a great feeling to pass things on in the knowledge that you’re helping your fellow man. Make sure clothes you give them are laundered and folded, and everything is kinda clean and worthy of a place in their store. Throw nasty stuff away of course. But it’s always a shame to see great clothes, books, records, gadgets and whatnot going to landfill when it really could do so much else.
Furniture for your manpad
When you have a new manpad, it’s hard to buy everything you need all in one go. Either you’re moving in the furniture from your old place, you’ve been given some furniture or you’ve had to make a few purchases.
You don’t have to live like this. Not for long, anyway.
Again, think of your theme for each room. Your clean, modern dining room might look and feel better with a chrome and glass table set, than the ‘farmhouse’ kitchen table your nan gave you in delicious rancid-orangey Pine. You don’t have to spend a fortune, you just have to choose well. Make sure the people delivering the new stuff take the old stuff away, or make your own arrangements in advance (Charity Shops sometimes collect large items of furniture).
Going up a level, many modern Interior Designers advocate having ONE signature piece per room. It’s the item that dominates the space and shows a clear, subliminal intention for that space. So in the dining room, you’d have your table. The bed in your bedroom. The inviting sofa in your lounge. It’s a idea that states the purpose for each room and gives a home a certain clarity and flow.
Your bed
Invest in a decent bed. You spend one-third of your life in there apparently. And good quality sleep is always something worth investing in. Get the biggest bed your room can accommodate and choose quality linen in neutral colours (a Manchester United or a Spongebob Squarepants bedspread does not make you look quirky and interesting).
Choose 100% cotton bed linen. Satin is a bit tacky nowadays and isn’t that comfortable to sleep in. Go for a high thread count (the higher the number, the finer the cotton). Choose neutral colours than compliment your room. Fitted sheets with elasticated corners are the easiest to fit. Buy a decent quality duvet but invest some money in quality pillows.
Make your bed daily – it’s shaking a duvet out and fluffing up some pillows, and takes just a few moments. The bed will be nicer to sleep in, appear more inviting to those lovely female guests, and makes your investment in those pillows, duvet and everything else more effective. Don’t buy extra cushions – it feminises your bedroom. She will want to know who’s idea it was and suddenly your seduction becomes an interrogation.
All those hours you spend in the gym will be rewarded with quality sleep. The body needs to recover from its exertions in order to build muscle. The mind also benefits from quality sleep.
Create for yourself a bedtime routine. Set an alarm for (say) nine hours before you want to get up. When it goes off, that gives you an hour to finish what you’re doing and to do all the other stuff you need to do, before hitting the hay and a good eight hours of sleep.
Think twice before you install a television in your bedroom. Watching TV just before bed will disturb your sleep. Think twice before taking a phone in there, for the same reason. Get a proper alarm clock so you don’t have to rely on your phone. Get a reading lamp so you can get a few chapters in before sleeping.
Your bedroom is where the magic will happen. When your woman enters this sacred space, do you really want her watching TV or staring at her phone?